Rush would sure like to cut her taxes...

Rush would sure like to cut her taxes...

Between former Senator Larry “Toe-Tap” Craig, sitting Senator David “Pay-For-Play” Vitter  and former Congressman Mark “I Always Use Lotion And The Hand” Foley, the Republicans rendered their “family values” mantra entirely hypocritical years ago.

But this week, the GOP took the full leap, going from the Grand Old Puritans to, well, the party of pervs with a series of gaffes that would make Biden proud.

Exhibit A? Joe the Unlicensed, Tax-Evading Plumber. Shocking, I know. Who would have thought he was capable of saying something stupid?

Watch:

That’s right, Samuel J. Wurzelbacher proclaimed himself “horny” to a crowd of wealthy Republican donors that look more like attendees at an Augustus Gloop Impersonator Convention. Thus, Wurzelbacher’s proclamation is both stupid and innacurate.

You think the freakazoids would have cut this imbecile loose after Joe the Plumber proved to be neither named Joe nor actually a licensed plumber!

The GOP's latest strategy

The GOP's latest strategy

But, apparently, one more sexual deviant just isn’t enough for the GOP. Chairman Michael Steele, surely as a thinly-veiled ploy to garner support from “urban-suburban hip-hop settings,” urged Democrats this weekend to – and I quote – “strap it on.

Joey and Mikey may have rendered comedy obsolete in one fell swoop, for even a team of writers couldn’t come up with material as good as this. Just ask Jay Leno.

But the implications of the GOP’s newfound “sexual healing” are far less funny. While Conservatives are dropping innuendo faster than Jim Cramer’s ratings, they still adhere to their primordial sexual policies. One cannot invoke sex toys one day and rebuke abortion the next. These characters don’t want to seriously discuss policy; they’re content with dropping dirty words and then squealing like a pack of third-graders.

The GOP needs to stop acting like children and start offering informed policies that provide an epistemological answer to the problems of our nation. Talking maturely and honestly about sex would be a great first step.

Or, we Democrats could just “strap it on” and win another election. 

Your move, M.C. Steele.

– A-$

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Which one's the comedian? (Trick question)

Which one's the comedian? (Trick question)

Ah, Jindal. 

Apparently, the “Blagojevich of the Right” has an insatiable appetite for tickling my funnybone. Remember that heartwarming story he shared, when the GOP wunderkind stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Sheriff (and bigot) Harry Lee after Katrina? Turns out it is as big of a lie as the bullshit about the monorail from LA to Vegas (actually a great idea) that he spewed during his touching response to BHO Tuesday night.

This piece of news merely confirms what I’ve always suspected: Newt Gingrich and Ann Coulter descended from the heavens and daintily placed a gilded halo on the Jindster’s coiffed cabeza. Jindal is the GOP’s chosen one, and rather than cast off the shackles of dirty Rovian politics, Steele’s Republican party will attempt to swift-boat his way to victory in ’10 and ’12.

Problem: It didn’t work this year, and it won’t work in the future.

As much as I would love to see the GOP crash and burn through another election cycle, our political discourse would be truly elevated by an intelligent, constructive debate. The time has come to set the whack jobs free. 

The GOP had that chance this weekend at the CPAC conference, but instead decided to go the nincompoop route. On Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen! On Joe the Unlicensed, Tax-Evading Plumber and Mitt “Golden Underwear” Romney!

But “Da Man” Michael Steele did leave room for one fresh-faced intellectual to lead the way, an inspiring voice that would brush away the toe-tapping, draft-dodging, heck-of-a-job-Brownieing of the past. A keynote speaker who could bring the Republican party out of the cold, and into electoral heaven.

His name is Jonathan Krohn, and he is thirteen years old.

2009 should be another great year for SNL.

– A-$

Late night at the corral…

27 February 2009

Here’s what’s a-grindin’ my gears at the moment:

Minnesota congresswoman Michele “Whitest-human-being-on-the-earth’s-crust” Bachmann reminds nubile GOP chairman Michael Steele that “[he] be da man.” Classy, Bachmann, classy.

Did you forget why we care about Shelly? Perhaps you forgot her Election ’08 antics. 

Those were the days…

archie-1

– A-$