The Twits
4 May 2009
If your appetite for The Electric Table is as insatiable as Hillary’s apparent appetite for braaaaiins, you’re in luck! Sell your soul and satisfy your inner stalker by following us on Twitter!
Click here for A-Money’s Twitto!
Click here for Soph-Dawg’s Twitto!
Click here for Pickle Surprise!
Happy Monday,
– A-$
Steele to Democrats: “Strap it on!”
20 March 2009
Between former Senator Larry “Toe-Tap” Craig, sitting Senator David “Pay-For-Play” Vitter and former Congressman Mark “I Always Use Lotion And The Hand” Foley, the Republicans rendered their “family values” mantra entirely hypocritical years ago.
But this week, the GOP took the full leap, going from the Grand Old Puritans to, well, the party of pervs with a series of gaffes that would make Biden proud.
Exhibit A? Joe the Unlicensed, Tax-Evading Plumber. Shocking, I know. Who would have thought he was capable of saying something stupid?
Watch:
That’s right, Samuel J. Wurzelbacher proclaimed himself “horny” to a crowd of wealthy Republican donors that look more like attendees at an Augustus Gloop Impersonator Convention. Thus, Wurzelbacher’s proclamation is both stupid and innacurate.
You think the freakazoids would have cut this imbecile loose after Joe the Plumber proved to be neither named Joe nor actually a licensed plumber!
But, apparently, one more sexual deviant just isn’t enough for the GOP. Chairman Michael Steele, surely as a thinly-veiled ploy to garner support from “urban-suburban hip-hop settings,” urged Democrats this weekend to – and I quote – “strap it on.”
Joey and Mikey may have rendered comedy obsolete in one fell swoop, for even a team of writers couldn’t come up with material as good as this. Just ask Jay Leno.
But the implications of the GOP’s newfound “sexual healing” are far less funny. While Conservatives are dropping innuendo faster than Jim Cramer’s ratings, they still adhere to their primordial sexual policies. One cannot invoke sex toys one day and rebuke abortion the next. These characters don’t want to seriously discuss policy; they’re content with dropping dirty words and then squealing like a pack of third-graders.
The GOP needs to stop acting like children and start offering informed policies that provide an epistemological answer to the problems of our nation. Talking maturely and honestly about sex would be a great first step.
Or, we Democrats could just “strap it on” and win another election.
Your move, M.C. Steele.
– A-$
Snark aside, here is something that has always eluded me about politics: how Republicans have managed to run as the party of tax cuts.
(This is prompted by a note in my inbox, courtesy of Michael Steele and the GOP newsletter, which is good for lols and keeping up with what the other side is doing. Anyway, it accuses Obama of egregious tax hikes, and I’m confused.)
I understand the philosophical dispute between big government and small government, federal spending vs. putting money back in the pockets of the people, mmmmhmm. I do. And I love me some New Deal, but I understand that there are you know, plumbers and people named Joe out there who would rather see tax breaks than an expansion of government programs.
Fine.
What I just really, really, really don’t get is how the GOP maneuvered this one. I picture a round-table discussion where these things are divvied up. The Republicans say, “We want ‘Lincoln’s Party'” and the Democrats grit their teeth and think about how the parties have really flipped 180 degrees since then, but, Fine.
Then the Republicans say, “We also want ‘Party of Tax Cuts!'” Somebody on the Democratic side scratches his head and protests that Democrats advocate tax cuts for 95% of the country, as opposed to, say, the wealthiest 5%. Everybody nods uncomfortably–Yeah, I don’t know. I think maybe we’re the party of tax cuts...
This is where I get lost. What happens? Is there a fistfight? Who’s in? I imagine Condie and Karl Rove, and then when I picture Dennis Kucinich, bless his heart, trying to duke it out with either of them, I sort of understand how we got here. “Here” being an administration that cuts taxes for 95% of the country and has to defend itself against “the party of low taxes.” Am I just “What’s the Matter With Kansas?”-ing?
-S
Send in the clowns…
11 March 2009
Brevi is no more.
Perhaps I jumped the gun with the celebrity nickname hybrid. But the verdict is in: the Palin-Johnston (Shotgun) marriage hasn’t happened, and the couple has reportedly split up. As if we didn’t see it coming.
Normally, I’d include bits and pieces of the article in my post, followed by my usual snarky observations. But for Comedy’s sake, I have to reproduce the entire story. There are just too many LOLS!
From HuffPost:
“Gov. Sarah Palin’s office on Wednesday refused to comment on a report that Palin’s daughter Bristol Palin had broken off her engagement with fiancé Levi Johnston.
According to Star magazine, 18-year-old Bristol Palin and Johnston are no longer together:
Now’s Levi’s sister, Mercede is telling all exclusively to Star and the picture she paints of life in Wasilla, Alaska is not a pretty one. Bristol, 18, has virtually cut Levi out of the life of their two-month-old son Tripp.”Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible. She tells him he can’t take the baby to our house because she doesn’t want him around ‘white trash’!” Bristol won’t even allow him to watch the baby for a few hours — unless he’s babysitting!
Mercede also told Star: “Bristol’s just crazy. That’s the nicest way I can put it. She and Levi actually broke up a while ago!”
“That’s not state business,” Abbey Bulawa, an aide to Gov. Palin, told the Huffington Post. “We don’t comment on the governor’s children.”
In an interview last month with FOX’s Greta Van Susteren, Bristol said Levi is “a hands-on dad” who sees his son every day. She also said they planned to get married once they were done with school.
Palin’s son Tripp was born on December 29, 2008.
A breakup would be additionally unfortunate for Levi as he has “Bristol” tattooed on his ring finger.”
You’re welcome.
– A-$
Second Treatise on Hipocrisy
5 March 2009
On this morning’s NYT Op-Ed page, Gail Collins examines all of the shit going on in today’s apocalyptic world, mainly so that we don’t have to. Rick “Ass” Santelli, of course, manages to weasel his way into her analysis.
“Earlier efforts by the White House to come to the aid of the hopelessly indebted homeowners sparked the now world-famous unfairness explosion by the CNBC reporter Rick Santelli. “How many of you people want to pay for your neighbors’ mortgage that has an extra bathroom and can’t pay their bills?” howled Santelli, in one really impressive display of righteous wrath and misplaced modifiers.”
Collins’ greatest beef with Santelli is the fact that he “got a ton of publicity for his tirade, a reward that was pretty unfair in and of itself.” My greatest beef with Collins is that she neglects the elephant in the room.
Santelli’s pseudo-populist rant is a smokescreen, plain and simple. The very notion of a retired stockbroker ranting about inequity in one of the halls of the sort of unbridled capitalism that initiated this clusterfuck is enough to get Zeus throwing down some thunderbolts. The financial sector that profited by baiting these homeowners into unsustainable mortgages torpedoed the economy and has received trillions in life-support from the taxpayer. Why can’t the victims of this mess receive temporary assistance while their tormentors are walking away with the farm?
As if this isn’t enough, the housing recovery package will only help the fat cats! The plan will not price toxic housing assets to market, relieving the world’s Santellis of further financial disaster. The real tragedy is that Santelli doesn’t understand the issue well enough to realize that the fix he demonizes will actually save him in the end.
Something is rotten on the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange.
– A-$
The Dragnet
3 March 2009
The morning roundup, for your reading pleasure:
- With such low-hanging fruit on the other side of the aisle, it’s all too easy to forget the horrors of our last presidency. Newsweek reports on the declassified Bush terror memos, in which the cowboy-in-chief seriously considered eliminating the first amendment to the constitution. And the conservatives are still whining about the fairness doctrine?
- Ever hear about those animals that eat their own young? Apparently, the GOP’s been taking pages from their playbook with their own Jim Bunning of Kentucky. I guess aiming a gun towards your foot and pulling the trigger helps win elections.
-
While the Republicans are focused on defeating one of their own in Kentucky, the Dems have their sights set on the other half of the state’s Senatorial Juggernaut. Mitch the Turtle should start ducking and covering!
- Let the Limbaugh fetish continue! I haven’t seen Republicans flock to a brain-dead coma victim like this since Terry Schiavo! Yesterday, the Jindster applauded Steele’s apology to Rush, confirming that this love-triangle from hell will indeed continue. No word yet on whether Steele gave Rush flowers or a bottle of OxyContin. My bet’s on…both.
Lastly, we’d like to welcome our newest blogger, the Nandinator. She will contribute wit and/or witticisms, obscure pop-culture references, Stewart-Colbert ’12 campaign updates and an undying love for Ann Coulter.
– A-$